Sunday, June 19, 2016

Happy Father's Day

I was having a really hard time with Father's Day this year until yesterday, when I just decided to accept how I'm feeling and not try to talk myself out of it. All of my therapy is about finding my own voice. And then listening to it, following it, not second-guessing it. And they are right. How I'm feeling is perfectly valid.

Here's a great song for heartbreak, if you need such a thing:

Yesterday I printed out a picture of Zac at 12 months old and put it in a frame. It was adorable. This morning I painted his little hand and foot and made prints for his dad's baby book, put some French Onion Soup in the Slow Cooker along with plenty of red wine, and then I got dressed in olive cargo pants and a burnt orange athletic tank top so that I felt cute and happy, and I cleaned the entire garage. Yep. Happy Father's Day to me! I took everything out of it, swept it thoroughly, threw away all the trash, recycled all the recycling, stacked all the empty bins inside one another, put everything back in neatly, and set up two dehumidifiers and four mouse traps with peanut butter in them. I am dirty and sweaty and I feel great.

Next up, my therapeutic horseback riding. Out of all the things I've done, and read, this has been by far the most helpful. Every session I learn so much about myself in a hundred little ways. A horse is literally a mirror... and I recommend to any victim of domestic violence to make this their top priority in their counseling spectrum. And I appreciate all my friends who have checked in on me today.

My heart goes out to the widow next door who, I'm sure, has a difficult time with this holiday every year. I know I'm certainly not the only one celebrating alone. Today I'm celebrating three things:

    my little boy who is growing up so fast,

    his father who loves him and my hope that he chooses to come back into his life,

    and ME who is fulfilling both the mother and the father role at this point in time.


Penny said...

It's probably out of place for me to say so, but good for you getting through to the other side. You show strength and courage and wisdom. I admire you.

Your blog is stunning.

Penny (from a few days ago)

Renee said...

Thank you!